Crazy Cullen!: Raising Alice
by MalikaiDragonSlayer
Summary: What happens when the Cullens take in three year old Alice Brandon? Why don't you read and find out!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but I do own a turtle!**

**A/N: Okay so was reading this fic about Ali playing pranks on Carlisle and he said something about her acting like a demented 3 year old and I wondered: What if Alice really were a demented three year old and the Cullens were raising her? How would it play out? We shall see muh ha ha. Jasper is in this. He was living with the Cullens when Ali came. R&R C&C and to all a goodnight. Enjoy.**

Carlisle's POV

"Dr. Cullen!" I turned around quickly because Dr. Nicole Slater sounded pretty frantic. "Oh Carlisle, there is a toddler in the emergency room and she won't let any one help her! She's suffered minor burns in the fire her parents died in. Could you help Carlisle? Your wonderful with children." I nodded quickly and followed her to the emergency room.

When we got there and heard a agitated toddler screaming and cursing at everyone who got within a three foot radius of her. "She's two! Stick an IV in her and do the daggone work!" cried the head nurse Pamela. I wondered how long the foul-tongued toddler had been there because nurse Pamela wasn't known for her temper and I was surprised she was losing it with a little girl.

"I not two! I thwee dammit!" All eyes turned to her. I laughed softly.

"I think she's quite adorable to be honest Nicole."

"Spend twenty minutes with her Cullen see how adorable is is then," Dr. Ricky Bane said. I walked over to the girl kneeling down. She made a move as if about to punch me but I quickly grabbed her hand. I didn't want the girl to be an orphan, have burns, _and _broken knuckles.

"Hello I'm Dr. Cullen could you please tell me your name?" the girl stubbornly shook her head. "Please? I really want to know." Another silent no. " C'mon I- " I was abruptly cut off by the girl telling me to, and I quote, "Shut the fuck up!"

"Her name is Alice Brandon, Cullen. She's three years old and her parents died in the fire that she got those burns in." Dr. Bane said curtly. A statement to which I already knew that latter part of.

"Alice huh? Alice," I said softly, "Do your legs hurt?" She looked her legs seemingly noticing them for the first time she began to cry. Loudly. I took my chance to put burn ointment and bandages on her legs. We brought the girl to her room. "She won't be here for long Nicole, her injuries are quite small."

"Poor thing, parent less. It must suck. " Nicole answered.

"Where will she go?" I was worried.

"Probably to a group home."

No. This girl couldn't go to a group home or some foster home where there was even the slightest possible chance she could be abused. I was going to go see a her social worker and figure out what I could do. She wasn't allowed to be hurt. She was much to precious for that.

**A/N: Well that's chapter one chapter two will be up as soon as I find my iPod. R&R, C&C, and save the children.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Crazy Cullen!: Raising Alice**

**Disclaimer: Why must I disclaim something I've never claimed?**

Carlisle's POV

"The social worker said that she could live here for a few days until they send someone to check on her. If we are deemed appropriate guardians we'll be allowed to begin the adoption process," I told my family, "You guys should come see her at the hospital. I'm sure she'd love the company."

"I'm sorry but we can't go we haven't hunted in a week and can't be around all that blood." Esme said sadly.

"Hey! I can go I had some grizzly yesterday!" Emmett said sounding much like a child on Christmas morning. I wasn't so sure about bringing him though. What if he scared Alice? He was huge and sometimes overbearing. In the end I decided to allow Emmett to go see her. He would probably be very enjoyable company for her. At least, I hoped so.

Emmett's POV

It was a short drive to the hospital. I was about explode from the excitement of meeting the preschooler that had turned Carlisle into a sucker, and I told him so. She couldn't be as cute as he had said. As we headed towards Carlisle's office in the large hospital we're greeted by Ricky Bane one of Carlisle's closest friends. Maybe it was because they were both "vegetarian" vampire doctors.

"Morning Cullen, morning Emmett."

"Good morning Ricky. How's the patient?"

"By 'the patient' I assume you're referring to your new miniature girlfriend?" All the nurses' heads snapped up. "C'mon Carlisle come see for your self how the kid is doing." We followed him to Alice's room. When I saw her a realized Carlisle wasn't just a sap, that was the most adorable kid I had ever seen. She had been sleeping but her eyes opened when we walked in She began to scowl until she realized that it was Carlisle.

"HI DR. CULLEN!"

"Hello Alice how are you feeling today?"

"I fine!"

"I just want to know how you do it Cullen," Dr. Bane said. Carlisle gave him a confused look, "I mean Carlisle, this kid looks like she's barely out of pull-ups and she's already in love with you. Man, too bad your happily married or we could be the best womanizing team on the market!"

"Who dat?" the girl asked pointing to me.

"This is Emmett. He's my son."

"Hi Alice!" I said excitedly, "I'm Emmett!"

"Hi Emmett I Alice!" she said mirroring my excitement. Sometimes I wondered if Jazz was really the only one able to control emotions.

"Okay, Alice you seem fine," I hadn't even seen Carlisle head over to examine Alice I'd been so lost in her cuteness. "Is it alright if Emmett stays to keep you company?"

"Yep! Yep! Yep!" Carlisle and Bane left the room. "Kai call you Emmie?"

"Sure! Can I call you Ali?"

"Yeah!" Oh this kid was so innocent and adorable. I couldn't wait to corrupt her.

Carlisle's POV

I smiled as I heard Alice and asking Emmett to call him Emmie and Emmett asking Alice to call her Ali.

"Much sweeter today isn't she?" I nodded at Ricky in agreement, "Yeah she's being nicer but she still swears like and old sailor. She cussed out the nurse for bringing her Jell-O instead of applesauce."

"I hope Esmé and I can fix that."

"They're letting you adopt her?"

"It's just a little trial run at the moment until they send the social worker to see if we are appropriate guardians."

"You know you will to be Carlisle," then he lowered his voice "What about your uh, eating habits?" I frowned.

"I don't know how we're going to explain that to her. And that's only if she wants to live with us." Ricky snorted.

"Come off it Cullen! Quit acting all naïve, of course she wants to live with you she like, loves you man!" I smiled shook my head and walked away from Ricky to go and check on my other patients.

When I was done with my rounds I headed into Alice's room when I got there she was eating candy, drinking Coca Cola, and playing with a Teddy bear.

"EMMETT!" I shouted exasperated.

Emmett's POV

"EMMETT!" Carlisle shouted sounding annoyed, "You gave her candy and soda?"

"I'm sorry Carlisle, she asked and I couldn't say no," I said sheepishly, "She played me! She gave me puppy dog eyes!"

"What was that you were saying earlier about ME being a sap?"

"Uh, love you Daddy?" I asked.

"Any way Alice, I've got a proposal for you-"

"I think that that would be frowned upon Carlisle, why don't you wait a few years?" I said sweetly.

"Quiet you! Like I said Alice I've got a proposal for you if you would like to hear it."

"I wanna hear!"

"Alice," he began slowly, "Do you know what happened to your parents?"

"They dead!" She said it cheerfully. I felt a lump in my throat. Did she even know what dead meant?

"Do know what dead means?" I was glad Carlisle asked.

"Tha' mean they not coming back and I can't see them no more." She still sounded cheerful.

"Alice it's alright to be sad."

"I not sad."

"Why not?" I asked interested.

"Mommy not like me. She say she wanna feed me to woofs! And daddy not like mommy so he not come home 'lot."

"Your parents never... hurt you did they." Carlisle asked nervously. I saw red around my eyes if her parents her hurt her they would be lucky they were dead already.

"No but mommy say that she not like me and she gonna give me up for 'doption but now she and daddy dead so I up for 'doption any way." I calmed down.

"So that leads me to my proposal Alice. Do you want to come and stay with my house with my family and I?"

"You want me?"

"Of course we want you!" I shouted.

"Yay I wanna go kai go now?"

"Yes we can go now but you have to get dressed first," Carlisle said chuckling lightly. Alice rushed out of bed and yanking off her hospital gown and rushing to get dressed she didn't seem to mind that we were in the room. When she was finished dressing I tied her shoes. She grabbed what was left of her candy and Coke and I grabbed her bear.

"Don't forget this!"

"I gonna call him Bane!"

"After Dr. Bane?" Carlisle asked.

"Yeah I like Dr. Bane he hot!" I rolled with laughter I couldn't wait to tell Dr. Bane that _HE_ was the one with the miniature girlfriend.

**A/N: Sorry it took me years to update. I have a question do want me to actually make this story have like a storyline or do you want it to be drabbles about childhood? Tell me in reviews, pm me, or email me at or . R&R C&C and totally covet things from your neighbor. Much love-Mali**


	3. Chapter 3

**Crazy Cullen!: Raising Alice**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but I just got a job so I'll probably be able to buy it in 80 to infinity years! So maybe I will never be able to buy Twilight! You don't have to rub it in.**

**Carlisle's POV**

"Who in your fammy Emmie?" Alice asked in he adorable little kid way. I'd never be able to get over the fact that she was so cute.

"Oh they are awesome Ali! I"m going to tell you all their names! First of course there is Carlisle but you already know him, then there's his wife, my mom Esme-"

"Is your mommy nice?"

"Yeah she's the best mommy ever!" I smiled and wondered what my beautiful wife would say to that.

"My mommy was mad 'cause I broked da pretty cup wit da gwramma dust in it." Gramma dust? What was she talking about? I wanted to look back at her but I was driving so I decided to keep my eyes on the road. Y_eah right Carlisle there's about a negative one to zero chance you'd get into an accident. Better safe than sorry I guess._

"Uh... What?" Emmett asked sounding very confused.

"I broked da cup wit gwramma dust in it." She repeated slowly in a slightly patronizing tone; as though she was talking to someone mentally impaired. It took every muscle in my body to keep myself from laughing.

"Um... okay. So on with the members of the Cullen family! There's Rosalie my gorgeous wife, Jasper my very slightly younger brother, and my baby bro Edward!**" **We were pulling up to our mansion and stepping out of the car.

"Will dey like me Car-Car-Carkizzle?' I smiled slightly at the way she pronounced my name.

Emmett laughed uproariously and took a b-boy stance, "Carkizzle my nizzle, it's startin' to drizzle." He was right.

"Yes let us get our little Alice into the house before she gets a cold."

"Carkizzle my nizzle, get in there quick before sweet little Ali catches sick." I rolled my eyes knowing I'd be "Carkizzle my nizzle" for the next few days at least. We entered the living room and I saw my children and wife ready to greet us, "Yo famdizzle, this is Alizzle."

**Alizzle's P0V**

"Nice to meet you Alice, I'm Esme."

"Hi Esme!"

"Hello Alice, I'm Rosalie."

"Hi Wosawee!"

"Hey Alice, I'm Edward."

"Hi Edwood!"

"Hi I'm Jasper!" He seemed excited like me!

"Hi Ja-Jazz-Jazza," I frowned. He had a hard name to say! "Jazzy, your Jazzy," I decided. He nodded. But I didn't care if he liked it or not!

"Well Alice let's give you the grand tour!" I jumped up and down excitedly smiling at Carlsile.

"Gran tour! Gran tour!"

**A/N: Whassup readerizzles! Blame my brother for my not updating in like a month! R&R, C&C And take the poll on my page. Also feel free to pm me! You can also contact me by email at or at ! ~T****his is Malizlle saying peace to you, and don't get the flu! :)**

******No seriously don't get the flu I heard it sucks. **

_********VERY IMPORTANT**: EDGEDRACO AND I ARE WRITING A TWILIGHT STORY AND WE WOULD LOVE IF YOU READ AND COMMENTED. IT SHOULD BE UP RIGHT NOW GO TO EADGEDRACO'S PAGE AND READ! PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE! ALSO THAT STORY WILL CONTAIN CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. IT WILL BE EDGEDRACO WRITING THAT PART SO DON'T YELL AT ME.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Crazy Cullen!: Raising Alice**

**Disclaimer: Me no ownage! JFGI!**

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to average theif. He/She hates twilight but loves _MY_story! This one's for you theif! Next chapter is for you too probably because this one may or may not suck.**

**Alice's POV**

When Carlisle said grand tour I got so excited their house was so big! I knew their must've been a lot to explore. They showed me everything and then they finally came to a pretty purple room with a pretty white bed.

"Well Alice, this is all yours!" Carlisle had a smile that always made you feel like you were safe.

"Mine!" I said as I threw myself on the bed.

**Rosalie's POV**

"Mine!" Alice squealed excitedly.

"So do you like it Alice?" Esme asked hopefully. Alice gave the hugest most adorable smile and said:

"If I could mawee (marry) a woom when I get big it would be dis one." We all laughed.

"Alizzle my nizzle if you like the room I can't wait to see your joys when you see the toys," I rolled my eyes at my childish husband. Alice gave another adorable squeal and ran over to play. I could definitely get used having her around.

A few hours later.

**Edward's POV**

"Emmie come hewe (here)! I not finished wit you makeup!" I could hear Carlisle chuckling in his study. I laughed aloud as Emmett came running into the living with his face mostly made up. He looked pretty nice to be honest, especially since his makeup was done by a three year old. None of it was smudged and the eye Alice had done looked really nice she had chosen the perfect eye shadow to compliment his eye color and—Wait a minute did I really think that? Good thing _I _was the mind reader.

**Esme's POV**

"Okay everyone the social worker will be here soon. Everyone please behave." Carlisle said as we all quietly congregated in the living room. All the kids nodded seriously.

"YES DADDY! WE'LL BE WEALLY, WEALLY GOOD!" I rolled my eyes and smiled, slightly amused. Only my Emmie.

"Emmett don't you think your getting a bit old to be calling me 'daddy'?"

"NO DADDY! I LOBE YOU!" Emmett shouted attempting to glomp Carlisle.

"Emmie, sweetheart your supposed to be being good," I reminded him.

"SOWWY MOMMY! I LOBE YOU!"

"Say sorry to dad. And I love you too."

"SOWWY DADDY! I LOBE YOU!" Carlsile nodded.

"Okay places everyone she should—"

"NO DADDY! NOW YOU GOTTA SAY _YOU_ LOBE _ME_!"

"Emmett, please—"

"DON'T YOU LOBE ME DADDY?" Carlisle nodded tiredly, "THEN SAY IT DADDY! SAY YOU LOBE ME! SAY 'EMMIE, I LOBE YOU!'"

"Emmie, I 'lobe' you. Happy now?"

"YES DADDY, VEWWY HAPPY!"

"Okay everyone get in their places she should be here any minute now." Everyone quickly reorganized so they were strategically placed. A minute later the doorbell rang. Carlisle answered it and led a woman into the room. My eyes popped when I saw her. I stared in spite of myself. So did the others. For at least a full minute there was silence with all of us staring (very rudely I might add) at her. Alice finally broke the silence with the worst possible thing she could say aside from 'these guys are vampires' (we had told her the night before, her reaction had been 'so?'):

"_What da fuck awe you weawing_!"

**A/N: LOL Does anyone notice in these kind of stories the social workers always dress horribly or are major Jerkus Maximus's (that's some fake latin for ya!) Any way R&R, C&C and EAT MY SHORTS!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Crazy Cullen: Raising Alice**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight I'd be a Caucasian, married suburban mother of two from Phoenix, Arizona. So unless I'm dreadfully mistaken and have been most if my life, I don't own Twilight.**

**Rosalie's POV**

Yeah, what Alice had said was sort of rude, but what that social worker was wearing was so undeniably and impossibly horrendous it's even a bit hard to describe. I admit I'm not the nicest person in the world but this outfit really was bad. Even Esme was staring.

**Jasper's POV**

I could feel the disgust rolling off of Rose in waves. Or maybe that was my own disgust? That woman was absolutely hideous.

**Edward's POV**

I was sure that she was blind. Surely no one could dress that horribly on purpose. She had to be deaf too, I decided, because her clothing just screamed repulsive. Every visible garment she had on looked atrocious. And it wasn't just the fact that they were all together. Each piece of clothing she was wearing looked revolting in its own right.  
She had on a beret with yellow-orange and magenta stripes, bells, and those little fuzzy pom-pom things that were indigo in color. If this wasn't bad enough she was wearing it incorrectly. She had the disgusting contraption pulled all the way down on her head so it either looked like a too small chef's hat or a sunken soufflé. I'd be lying to you if I told you that was the worst of it. She was also wearing a tie-dyed poncho. Yes, I said a _tie-dyed poncho_. It looked like a Mexican and a hippie had a soirée, then decided to mix their cultures and came up with that horrid piece of trash. Furthermore, she was wearing a fox fur scarf, a forest green shirt thing that came down to her knees and had a bunch of rainbow colored polka dots all over it (which with her body shape made her look like the offspring of Santa Claus and his mistress who happened to be a Christmas tree), red plaid pants, and moccasins. And if that weren't enough she was ugly herself! She was quite fat; she looked like she could be a lightweight sumo wrestler. And her disgusting toad like face was plastered with makeup, making her look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, (JFGI) except a great deal uglier. Her thin, short, brown hair was pulled into a tight ponytail. The woman was absolutely grotesque.

**Emmett's POV**

Goddamn, that woman was so ugly it was ridiculous. I mean, it should be illegal to look that bad. You should at least have to get a permit for it, jeez.

**Carlisle's POV**

"Alice!" I chastened quickly, "That was extremely rude!"

"But, she look like Santa and a Chwistmas twee had a baby!"

"Excuse me, I have to step out," Edward mumbled gruffly obviously trying not to die of laughter.

"Alice, apologize to Ms.…?" Esme faltered not knowing the woman's name.

"Gerald, Lynn Gerald," The social worker supplied helpfully.

"Alice, apologize to Ms. Gerald."

"But, she fugly!" Emmett began choking on his venom and Jasper had to clap him on his back multiple times.

"Alice," I said

"But—"

"Alice," I repeated, the warning thick in my voice.

"I sowwy that you'we fugly." That got all my other children. Emmett began laughing so hard he started hyperventilating, which I didn't realize was possible until it happened, Jasper dropped to floor clutching his stomach, Rosalie was shaking with silent laughter, and Edward, who'd just reentered, had to leave again.

"Alice!" Esme slightly upset.

"What? I pologize!" I sighed. She was genuinely confused about what she did wrong.

"Jasper Hale, get off of the floor! Ms. Gerald, I apologize for my children's atrocious behavior," Esme said shooting our older children a glare which sobered them up, including Edward who had reentered for the _second _time, "Including and especially Alice." At least Alice had the decency to look contrite when Esme gave her a look.

"It's okay, you handled it very well. It's nice to see that you know how to discipline children," I wish I could tell you that next she said something like, 'I dressed this ridiculously as a test, I'd never really dress like this', but alas she did not. Actually, she said: "Plus, young kids don't know much about fashion."

Rosalie snorted. "Obviously neither do you," She muttered sourly under her breath.

I could tell this was going to be a long day.

**A/N: This took a ridiculously long tine. But, since you love me you'll R&R and C&C.**

**And for all our sakes don't dress fugly. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Crazy Cullen!: Raising Alice**

**Disclaimer: I don't own but I'd love to own Emmie and Carly and Jazzy and Jakey and Ali because she a gangsta.**

**Carlisle's POV**

Things had calmed a bit after Ms. Gerald's initial… entrance. Alice was lounging on the couch in my lap watching _**What not to Wear**_. It the short time Alice had resided in our house we learned a _very_ important thing about her. You DO NOT interrupt her while she is watching _**What not to Wear**_. You just don't do it. Apparently it would've been a good idea to tell Lynn Gerald this.

"Alice? Alice, sweetheart, can I talk to you?" Alice barely tore her eyes away from the screen where Stacy was telling the woman that she dressed like a fifteen year old boy to tell Ms. Gerald to "SHHHHHHH!"

"Alice dear I would like to talk to you about how you like staying here."

"Shaddup. I watching no wear!"

"Alice that was rude," I scolded. She shrugged it off. I frowned at her disrespectfulness but let it go.

"Alice please I'd like to talk to you—"

"BITCH YOU DEAF? OWE (or) JUST TUPID! I WATCHING NO WEAR! SHUT DA FUCK UP!" While she said this she leapt off of my lap and began stomping her feet. After she was done with her tirade there was silence for a moment.

"Okay Alice you are going to act like that you can go to the time out chair," Esme said sharply pointing to the step stool in the corner.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANNA WATCH NO WEAR!" She climbed back on the couch. Ignoring her screaming I turned the television and the cable box off.

"WAAAHHHHHHH! PUT NO WEAR BACK! PUT NO WEAR BACK!"

"No," Esme said frankly, lifting the wailing child to the designated time out corner.

"I WANNA WATCH NO WEAR!" She cried as Esme placed her on the stool. _You may not be watching 'no wear' but you will be watching no __**where **__and no __**one**__ for three minutes. _I thought. The moment Esme got far enough away Alice jumped up and ran to me latching on to my legs.

"Watch no wear?" She said sweetly giving me puppy eyes. I shook my head sternly and carried her back to her time out. On my way back over I caught what Ms. Gerald was scribbling furiously on her paper _"__Obsessed with what not to wear; gets violent when interrupted…__"_

* * *

Surprisingly we managed to get custody of Alice and the green light for adopting her. The visit almost ended well. Almost. As Ms. Gerald was walking to her car, Alice seemed to have the need to give her a bit of parting advice.

"YOU A FULGY HO AND YOU NEVER EVER GONNA HAVE A BOYFWIEND CAUSE YOU TUPID AND FAT! WATCH MOWE NO WEAR! IT COULD HELP!" She yelled in a earnest attempt to be helpful. I face palmed.

"Alice, you really need to work on your people skills."

**A/N: *cowers in a corner* PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! I know I owe you so much more than this 400 word chapter but this is all I have right now. R&R or C&C or flame if you wish just review. OH! and anyone who wants to talk or give me ideas I'm open just tell me in your REVIEW. *winks* LOVE YA'll!**

**P.S. Am I the only one that watches Supernanny to laugh at the stupid parents being bitch slapped and cussed out by their toddlers?**


	7. AUTHORS NOTE: FFNET BULLJUNK

I'm sorry guys who thought this was a new chapter but this needs to be said.

WHAT THE HELL IS WONG WITH YOU FFNET? WHAT IS SO DAMN HARD ABOUT HAVING A FUCKING MA RATING? You are going to lose so many great writers. There are ways to weed out who is reading which stories. I don't personally write lemons or limes but I think this is so wrong at least tell someone before you delete their story/account because it's terrible to lose a story you worked so hard on! I cannot believe this. I'm very disappointed. There are people who have been a member of this website for years that are now getting their stories deleted. This ought to be a haven for ALL fanfiction writers. I'm saying it should be a total porn site but c'mon. Show a little respect for your authors.

-A very pissed off MalikaiDragonSlayer.

I will try to update all my stories. But I'm angry. Very angry. Extremely angry.


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